Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese
mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

VENI, VEDI, VISA:
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Clones are people two.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

It gets so cold in Minnesota that lawyers will sometimes put their hands in their own pockets!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

We found a ransom note. It was tied to a window and thrown into the rock garden. - Police Squad

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Shin -- Device for finding furniture in the dark.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

43.3 percent of statistics are meaningless

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Do you use your smoke detector as a meal timer?

Roadkill on the information highway

My idea of health food is eating any food before the expiration date.

If cars advanced at the same rate as computers, today's car would cost $1000, go 100,000 MPH, get 500 MPG, and crash once a day killing everyone inside.

The sooner you fall behind, the longer you have to catch up.

Bumper Stickers

• I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

• If we weren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

• There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can't.

• Visualize whirled peas.

• Give peas a chance.

• A penny saved is 1.45 pennies earned (assuming a 31% tax bracket).

• The future isn't what it used to be.

• How do you fix the crack of dawn?

• Equal rights for unborn women

• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

• There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart?

• Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• Sleep is no substitute for caffeine.

I hate generalizations because they are never true.

A man was painting a church. He was running out of paint so he used thinner to make it go further. By the time he got to the steeple, it was very thin. Just as he finished, a thunderstorm came and the rain washed all the paint off the whole church. Then a voice from heaven spoke to the man and said, "Repaint and thin no more."

If you copy one person, that's plagiarism. If you copy three people, that's research.

Experience is the ability to recognize your mistake every time you make it.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He will hold the bulb and wait for everything to revolve around him.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? 

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, 
and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? 

He wanted to transcend dental medication. 

How to figure the cost of living: Take your income and add 10%

C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

Advertising: Invention is the mother of necessity.

You know you are an e-mail junkie if you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You know you are an e-mail junkie if you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

A sociopath: if he gets in trouble with the law, he becomes a criminal, if he doesn't he becomes a politician.

Airplane landing - a controlled mid-air collision with a planet

Writing is the process of staring at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds.  
- Douglas Adams, author

You're doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you! 

- Al Bundy

Should be a Hallmark card: 
My tire was thumping, 
I thought it was flat. 
When I looked at my tire, 
I saw your cat. 
Sorry.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I don't smoke. The cigarette smokes. I am just the sucker on the other end of it.

I have multiple personality disorder... and we vote! 

Inside every cool person there is a geek just dying to get out.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a Promise Keeper went clothes shopping with his teenage daughter,  would he stand in the Gap or wait outside? 

If a Cathedral was accelerated to the speed of light, would it's Mass increase? 

Could God make a rock so big he couldn't drop it on a theologian? 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Intolerance is a Beautiful Thing
The Prophet Elijah Intolerant of Jezebel
The Apostle Paul Intolerant of Witchcraft Books
Thomas Jefferson Intolerant of King George III
George Washington Intolerant of British Troops
Fredrick Douglass Intolerant of Slavery
Susan B. Anthony Intolerant of Only Men Voting
Amy Carmichael Intolerant of Child Prostitution
Dietrich Bonhaufer Intolerant of Anti-Semitism
Winston Churchill Intolerant of Hitler
Martin Luther King, Jr. Intolerant of Segregation
Lech Welesa Intolerant of Communism
Mother Teresa Intolerant of Abortion
Intolerance is a Beautiful Thing

Nine out of ten people say that out of ten people surveyed, one person will disagree with the other nine. 

- Collin Mocrie, Who's Line is it Anyway?

You tolerate me! You really tolerate me! 

- Collin Mocrie, Who's Line is it Anyway?

Ryan Stiles: Watch out for hippos. They can tear a man in half.
Collin Mocrie: What about a woman?
Ryann Stiles: Yes, a woman can tear a man in half too.

He is a ham that will never be cured.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hover?
The location of the dirt bag.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Actual Headlines

• March Planned For Next August

• Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

• Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

• Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

• Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

• Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead

• Red tape holds up new bridge

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack that jerk upside the head.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

When you are 20, you worry about what everyone thinks of you.
When you are 30, you decide you are only going to worry about what God thinks of you.
When you are 40, you realize nobody was thinking of you in the first place.

We are supposed to work 8 hours and sleep 8 hours. The problem is with many people it's the same 8 hours.

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Let's put the "fun" back in dysfunctional.

Warning, the Surgeon General has determined that whatever you have in mind is bad for you.

I am in no condition to exercise.

"Buns of steel" -- who wants to clink when they sit down?

Steve Taylor's unique ways of describing death:
When the doctor starts whistling "Happy Trails"
When they cancel your breathing policy
When they read you your expiration date
Getting sealed bids for a granite vault
Bought those pine pajamas

When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.

Just because you are paranoid does not mean everyone is not out to get you.

You are having delusions of adequacy.

You should go far. And the sooner you start, the better.

You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

We have recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you don't have a problem, don't try to solve it with a computer.

"Hi, I'm probably home but I am avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you." - answering machine message

If a man is speaking in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

When I see those starving kids on TV, I feel like crying. I mean, I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all the flies and death and stuff. 

- Mariah Carry

Opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of my wife. 

People who insult others are jerks. 

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it? 

I'm a light eater...as soon as it gets light I eat! 

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!! 

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat IS! 

It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole. 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted - Reboot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N) 

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 

When cryptography is outlawed, only outlaws Eldi9w sLwI&wls9v.

T-Shirt: I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Avoid clichés like the plague.

Blessed are the geeks for they shall internet the earth.

Chaos! Panic! Disaster!! (My work here is done.)

Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Obviously you are incapable of assimilating the extent of my genius.

Redneck Jokes

Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. 
If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. 

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing 
tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. 

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? 
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. 

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? 
I-40. 

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? 
A full set of teeth. 

I've always wondered what it would be like when you go senile. It should be a pretty smooth transition for you. 
- Elaine from Seinfeld 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle 

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base. 
- Dave Barry

Success has many parents. Failure is an orphan.

Don't take my word for it, ask a complete stranger.

Mud Slung is Ground Lost.

For God so loved the world that He didn't send a committee.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

- Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handy

You guys are so un-hip I'm surprised your bums don't fall off.

- Zephod Beeblebrox, Part-time Galactic President

I like myself so much I'm jealous of people who envy me.

Bill Clinton doesn't inhale...he sucks!

It's the best hospital in the world for psychological patients. I'd be there myself but I don't fly.
- Monk

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- George Carlin

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
- George Carlin

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
- Steven Wright

Black Holes Are Where God Divided By Zero
- Steven Wright

Ancient Chinese wisdom: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Inuendo - A Documentary of Italian Suppositories

Canada: an apartment above a really good party

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning.
- Jimmy Carr, comedian

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
- Jimmy Carr, comedian

I didn't really say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra 

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
- Yogi Berra 

I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?
- Steven Wright 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- George Carlin 

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
- George Carlin 

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Every year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses.
There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer.
Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late.
- South Park

In Europe, do you think Miles Davis is known as Kilometer Davis?
- Steven Wright

Two pretzels were walking down a street. One of them was assaulted.

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Spandex, it's a privilege, not a right.

I finally managed to change the DST setting on my VCR. Now it blinks at 11:00.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
- Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
- Dave Barry 

I probably should never have been there anyway, and it served me right when the two alert police officers fired up their siren, pulled me over, and pointed out that my car's registration had expired. I had not realized this, and as you can imagine I felt like quite the renegade outlaw as one of the officers painstakingly wrote out my ticket, standing well to the side of the road so as to avoid getting hit by the steady stream of passing unlicensed and uninsured motorists driving their stolen cars with their left hands so that their right hands would be free to keep their pit bulls from spilling their cocaine all over their machine guns. Not that I am bitter.
- Dave Barry