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Presidential Debate Transcript
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these
rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent
will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into
voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while
he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore,
can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her
story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love
the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes
for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the
richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like
Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling
her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these
debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to
empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy
and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me
several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one
to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy
decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in
World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war
was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any
undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of
president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic,
by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a
president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until
the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10
years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to
their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the
child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to
fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep
barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White
House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
