Puns

Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead. 
- Dave Barry

Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse and she currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however. It caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say....Picabo, ICU.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as the super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

There was a pun contest so I entered 10 times to have a better chance.
I was hoping one of them would win but no pun in ten did.

A monastery ran a small flower shop to help raise funds. The village was upset with the group of friars and wanted to run them out of business. They tried all sorts of ways to shut the place down with no success. Finally, they called on the meanest, roughest thug in the village, Hue. A threat from him was all it took to close the shop. Which just goes to show that only Hue can prevent florist friars.

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. I guess this just proves that ... The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".

A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured. Moral of the story--Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.

Scientists had developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever. Getting bored after many years they asked their keeper to get them a book on Latin poetry that could amuse them. On the way back to the dolphinarium, the keeper spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he gingerly stepped over him when he was confronted by 2 FBI agents who promptly arrested him. The charge: Violation of the Mann act - ( transporting a Juvenile across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises)

Apparently there was once a chief of an African village who had a magnificent throne room in his thatched hut, in the center of which was a large stone throne. It was his pride and joy. However one day he met a very attractive lady who he could not help but marry. (As you do). In order to consummate his wedding he bought a very large chief-size bed, but found he was unable to fit it in his hut as the throne was in the way. He decided to store the throne in the attic of his hut until his honeymoon was over. On his wedding night the chief and his new wife were in bed consummating the marriage with such gusto that the hut shook like something that shakes quite a bit indeed. The attic collapsed and the chief and his wife were flattened by the throne. Which only goes to show that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day the weather suddenly turned terrible. "Goodness", exclaimed his wife, "snow." "No," said Rudolph, "it's rain!" "I still stay it's snow," yelled the wife. "Look,", he insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A man was painting a church, but he didn't have enough paint, so he added some thinner to make it go further. Just as he finished it began to rain and all the paint washed off the church. The clouds opened up and God said, "Repaint and thin no more."

There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle--it will be the first herd shot around the world.

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin". (Look out! Here it comes!). The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts...it's how you ply the gum!"

The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y'all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin' Line.

Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world only to find that his name had been removed from the town register. He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight. The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.

Joe is a bus driver living in Boston. He needs s job, and finally finds one at Children's Television Workshop, which produces Sesame Street. They film the shows at the studios of WGBH, the public television station. The driver's job is to pick up all the kids in a big school bus and take them to the studio. He knows where to pick them up, but not their names. So he goes to the first stop, and there is a very fat piggy little girl with ringlets in her hair. She gets on the bus and introduces herself -- "Hi. My name's Patty". Then Joe goes to the next stop. There waiting is another very fat little girl. She gets on and introduces herself "Hi. My name's Patty, too." At the next stop is a really cute little boy with neatly combed hair, an Eton jacket and short pants. When he gets on, he introduces himself to Joe: "Hi. My name's Ross. There are two Rosses who ride this bus, but I'm very gifted, so I'm known as Special Ross." Ross sits down politely, and Joe goes on. At the next stop he picks up a very nice looking boy, who introduces himself. "Hi. I'm Leonard Reese." Leonard goes and sits down, but instead of just looking out the window, he does something really disgusting: He removes his shoes and socks, and starts pulling the skin off the sides of his feet. Joe, the driver, is so turned off, that he decides to quit the job. He deposits the kids at WGBH, then goes back to Children's Television Workshop headquarters and throws down his driver's cap. "I quit. I can take a lot of shenanigans from kids, but I don't want to have to deal with two obese Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Reese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

During the great Australian tea famine, a small town called mercy developed a Tea made from Koala Bears. It became a great hit and was famous all across the continent. One day a man was down from Sydney and decided to try a cup of this famous beverage. When it came he was disgusted to find bits of fur and flesh floating in it. He asked the waiter if they couldn't somehow filter it. The waiter replied: "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained"

A man went strolling on the beach when he spotted some terns overhead. Being a hater of birds, he picked up some stones from the beach and began flinging them at the birds. One by one, he picked off the birds in flight and watched them plummet into the sea. And, you know, he didn't leave one tern unstoned.

And then there was this other one about the king who was very fond of hunting. So fond, indeed, that he forbade all his subjects from hunting anywhere in his kingdom. So what would the poor woodcutter do, if his daughter was crying for hunger? This law so enraged the people that they revolted and threw the king out. This was the first time in history that a reign was called off, because of game.

Did you know that TV commercials in Spain are just a little something to help the Dago buy a little faster?

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man to his teepee. After a brief examination, the medicine man cut off a thong of elk hide from his belt and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bit off, chew and swallow 1" of leather every day. After one month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief answered, "the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam... It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?" "It's very simple," the doctor replies. "You're two tents."

There was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Virginia, that was so close to the beach that the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime. The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling "Chow time! For all in tents and porpoises."

A Cherokee Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses. Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"? "It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

A professor in bio-engineering had worked many years perfecting a process of reproducing human embryo from the cells of single human. Against all odds, he succeeded not only in the reproduction, but also in an accelerated growth process. He used his own cells for much of his experimentation, and his most successful experiment was a man identical to him in appearance and age, with almost identical mental and behavioral characteristics. A major press conference and reception was planned by his university to introduce the man and his creation to the world. As the date of the reception drew near, the professor became aware of a disconcerting tendency in his creature to rude remarks, crude behavior, and pornographic suggestions. The professor hoped that perhaps the reception might pass without incident, but the episodes of bad behavior were accelerating at an alarming rate. Finally, at the reception, which was held in the penthouse of the president of the university, the professor watched in horror as his creature exposed himself to the hostess. Realizing that his own reputation as well as the college were about to disintegrate, he motioned his creature over to the window to speak with him. With a subtle but powerful move, he shoved his creature through the window and watched him fall to his death many stories below. He was observed however, and was consequently arrested. The charges? Making an obscene clone fall.

Many people are under the false impression that Australian three-toed sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sautéed, a fact ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth.

Which, of course, reminds me of the poet, so devoted, so totally devoted to his work...that he would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets. So devoted, mind you, that it was said that he went... ...from bed to verse.

An actor of German descent was stranded far up in a wild country when his touring company went broke. This was in the days when performers were generally regarded as criminals to be shunned, not as celebrities to be shined up to, and he found neither succor nor shelter as pennilessly, pathetically, he wandered the lonesome roads. Finally, however, he came upon a lioness playing with her cubs outside their den. Assuming his most pitiable air, he approached the matriarch and inquired in the most ingratiating of tones: "Mother, can you lair a mime?" Alas, his accent betrayed his origins, and with a great roar the lioness sprang at him. The terrified thespian barely scuttled away with his life. "Why did you do that, Mommy?" one of the cubs asked. "He seemed nice." The mother drew herself up to her full moral height. "What I'm going to say I want you never, ever to forget as long as you live," she growled. "A Hun is the lowest form of roomer."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing there recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" They asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

An dyslexic agnostic insomniac: Someone who lies awake a night wondering whether or not dog exists.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was killed today. Over Barcelona, he was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

"All my knowledge cannot ease my arthritis," said the wiseacre.
"Of course I'm aware ostriches can't fly!" chirped Tom knowingly.
"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
"I will NOT splurge on a circuit-breaker," Tom refused.
"There's a blood-sucking insect in my French cheese," said Tom briefly.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
"Yes, I've read 'Gulliver's Travels'," replied Tom swiftly.
"I'd better repeat that SOS signal -- no-one seems to have heard us," said Tom remorsefully.
"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.
"I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.
"The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods," said Tom contentedly.
"!" exclaimed Mark.
"Crosby is my favorite singer. Is he yours?" asked Tom probingly.
"I'm not leaving the chapel until I finish this painting," Michelangelo insisted.
"My family has a great future," said Tom clandestinely.
"Why are you lying down so close to me?" asked Adam naively.
"What's the best time to plant peonies?" was Tom's perennial question.